I named my performance ‘Sugar Coated’ as the public’s perception is mainly that type 1 diabetes is just something to do with not being able to eat sugar. Or something as simple as that. In my performance I wanted to tackle this pre miss conception and show that although I do have funny experiences and I am a happy student there are a lot of horrible things that i have had to go through or could go through if my sugar levels aren’t controlled.

My script started with a list of words which the audience gave me feedback saying it was a powerful opening. Starting sat on the floor whilst putting haribo’s into a jar as a pre-performance whilst the lights flashed mutli-coloured with the Archies song “Sugar, Sugar” playing, I feel would have worked better if the audience was larger as I would have had more time to fill the jar and make the audience consider what type 1 diabetes really is for longer. From starting with colourful lights and then moving to a spot light on a microphone, I feel the change in light colours worked well as they represented the states of sugar levels I was talking about and set the atmosphere. Red lights represented my sugar levels being high, whilst pale blue’s pulsed around sections of the stage to show the drop in my sugar levels.

From facts, to personal confessions, experiences, funny and serious, to voice overs of friends answers to questions. I feel my changing/manic style represented my life with diabetes well- it is manic. If I had more time I would definitely work out how long each of the voice recordings lasted so I could be more choreographed with setting up the stage. However, in a way, I kind of like the fact I was constantly on edge and wasn’t sure how long the recordings were going to go on for as again this is a factor of being diabetic. It is unpredictable and draining, constantly waiting and adjusting more and more- which is what I kept doing with all the numbered plates and leaflets- re-positioning them.   

I feel I managed to get my main message across through the text and visuals of the projection screens. What type 1 diabetes is. How it is caused. What the symptoms are. That there are no restrictions. Just a balancing act.

I was worried that using a script on stage would not be effective and look like I am lazy. The truth is every time I went to create my solo performance my levels would be high or low and I would be drained.

Imagine going hypo during a performance and forgetting all your lines.

Because my life is full of constant struggles and juggling I find it hard to also say the key points and factors of having type 1 diabetes therefore having a script, using voice overs and projections I feel gave me the stability that sometimes I need, but I hope I managed to connect to the audience in the important moments, from the comedy at the beginning where I looked at an audience member to make them feel involved but also show them from the beginning this is going to be a light hearted outlook on diabetes-

You’re a lot like my insulin… I can’t live without you.

Then handing out Haribo’s influenced from ‘Hair Peace’ where the audience where given samples of hair to pass around, it made the audience think more into actually what does this object mean to the performer. By also showing how I blood test, carb count, inject and eat, whilst the voice overs gave more of an inner monologue, I feel it was more impacting than me just talking at the audience for the whole performance. I believe visuals are important so the use of screens was influenced from Victoria Melody and like Jamie Wood’s crazy things he did such as get in a bag and strip, i wanted to inject myself on stage as I’ve never seen anyone do this before and also trying to show that I once hallucinated chocolate spread was attacking me through the ceiling could have been a great image to play with. However, because I am rubbish with technology I couldn’t create spinning nutella jars on the screen, but if I had more time I definitely would and I’d like to have filled the room with a sweet smell to play on all the audience’s senses. Like Laurie Anderson with her extravagant lights I then at the end wanted to create a beautiful image.

The constant adjusting of the objects did tire me out and make me slightly out of breath and the lights staretd to make me sweat. This is all just a part of performing, but again what I have to deal with everyday, by me standing still at the end and letting the vessel lights cover my body I think i showed how having type 1 diabetes is

…a rollercoaster and a never ending cycle which will continue. I want to be in control but it’s hard. I just have to smile through it.

I guess you could say my body’s a malfunctioned machine that plays one big guessing game based on smaller machines. A balancing act. 36,000 odd blood tests. My life revolves around numbers, levels, time, effort, energy and all these clever little devices… imagine if they all just stopped working. (Baillie, 2016)

Drawing on from the idea of adjusting the plates I then realised that all the other objects I had created ‘art’ from could be used in my piece, again like a production line, putting things out, adjusting them, going over them re- positioning them. My script involves facts from leaflets. There are hundreds of leaflets that sum up every different aspect of living with diabetes such as-

“Sex is an activity like exercise so be prepared: you may require extra carbohydrates before to prevent a hypo”-  Sorry, Sorry. Hold on a sec let me just check I’ve got haribo’s on hand. (get out haribo chuck them into audience) Yep carry on.

These silly “guidelines” and facts about my life are all true and can control me or have an influence on me- such as the implications if I want to have a baby in the future and my levels aren’t controlled (which I want to include in a voice over at the end as it’s something serious no one including myself ever thinks of). And so, placing all of these leaflets on the floor highlights all the complications of my life. It is also interesting to note that they are all different colours and so by placing them in a circle, which is the logo for Type 1 diabetes (a blue circle), all the different colours represent teh change in my blood glucose levels. By placing empty needles boxes which I’ve built to creating T1, although it may look tacky, at the end of my day this is what my life revolves around. Even the seating decision to keep it as tiered seating has a meaning. The audience are all on different levels.

Today I realised I had been saving up all of my needles, tags and empty cartridges in a sharps bin. I was going to empty this bin on stage to show just how many needles and bits and bobs I have to do, and explain that this is the amount just from February to May so 3 months worth of needles. I then calculated that I have done over 36,000 blood tests since I was diagnosed. I think that number is impacting enough without showing the literal amount of needles on stage. Plus there would be health and safety precautions.

I’ve always had the idea of levels as a key idea I just wasn’t sure how to show this in a performance visually. I then created what looked like charts of my levels rising and falling, almost like a heart monitor screen as well. I however wasn’t sure that these tags would stand out enough on the studio floor and so I then thought about how I could create something that could hang up across the stage.

Developing the ‘Levels’ visual

Going from one end of the scale to another and my life being a balancing act i decided to try using literal numbers rather than small tags. The numbers 0-30 is what my machine tells me. Anything above 30 it just read HI which means i’m completely off the scale! I wanted to create sugar cube boxes but 1 i realised this would take too much time and 2 i was already using the songs about sugar to confuse the audience about what it is diabetes really involves when they enter the space. It is not sugar. It is carbs. As i was looking for card in the shop i then spotted paper plates, they were nice and cheap, i eat everyday, everyone eats off plates, they can have any type of food eaten off of them.

I then threaded string through them all and went to the studio to test how to hang them… they weren’t noticable on the floor again which I was worried about, so i tried pegging them to the curtain and i liked the way the numbers dipped in the middle showing the fall and rise of my levels. I then kept re adjusting them so they were equal distance apart, without realising it i had formed a production line. my job was to keep adjusting the number plates, like i do to my sugar levels day in day out.

Early on in the process I wanted to use my ‘vessel’ projection light. It filled my bedroom ceiling and walls and I prayed it did the same in the studio. It didn’t and I was gutted as the distance from  the light to the ceiling was too far. As I was stood there thinking that my piece now wasn’t going to be as visually interesting and unique Darren the Tech man then said to me “Laura, the light looks great on you”. I looked down and saw the vessels pouring over my body, clothes and skin. We then put some blue and red lights at the back and a spot light just lighting my face and then to a blackout. I then switched the light off manually. I FOUND MY ENDING. Originally I wanted the piece to start with this cool light effect but I was also toying with the idea of starting the piece more light hearted and ending on a serious note. This light now worked for the atmosphere of the ending. A voice over plays whilst I close the back curtains, hiding the projection screen, starting to finish the show a metaphor for ‘shutting everything down’. Like my body decides to sometimes to:

I don’t really understand what goes on inside my body. It’s scary really. Sometimes it’s hard trying to juggle and adjust everything depending on my lifestyle factors and changes. If I want to plan to have a baby, in the future obviously, I have to make sure my sugar levels are under control before I can try as even a slightly raised overall blood glucose level called a hba1c, could put my child at risk of a birth defect. We are advised to not even get tattoos or piercings as our body takes longer to heal. I have to test before I want to drive. I can’t drive public transport as a career. If our levels are out of control we can also go blind or lose the feeling in our feet. I don’t want future complications, I deal with enough now. But I won’t let having diabetes stop me from achieving my dreams and living my life to the full everyone has extra problems to deal with, I may have slightly more than others but I could be so much worse off. I’ve written a 9000 word dissertation, performed in hundreds of shows, had crazy nights out made amazing friends and hopefully have gained a degree. It’s a rollercoaster and a never ending cycle which will continue. I want to be in control but it’s hard. I just have to smile through it.

I guess you could say my body’s a malfunctioned machine that plays one big guessing game based on smaller machines. A balancing act. 36,000 odd blood tests. My life revolves around numbers, levels, time, effort, energy and all these clever little devices… imagine if they all just stopped working.

Space. Time. Intensity. Angle. Audience. Relationship.

Authentic versus theatricality- dual binaries, due to my piece being quite factual as well as having my own confessional moments such as revealing I once stopped injecting myself, I want the lights to start off theatrical, the multi-coloured lighting shows that my life is like a cabaret, a big performance, a games-show…then the lights become more atmospheric. Colours represent the change in my levels.

The stage could become a virtual Pancreas, lit in different sections/ colours to show how my body works.

Yellow- the colour my skin went when I was first diagnosed.

“I remember becoming thinner, my skin became yellow and it was a struggle to do the most basic things…

I couldn’t even walk to primary school which was 5 minutes down the road, I used to sit in the middle of the pavement and refuse to move. Mum just thought I was lazy.

I was thirsty, my tongue was sticky, it crackled, I was physically drained. I had to sit out of playing rounder’s on a rainbows trip to Lowestoft, I kept drinking and drinking, not knowing that drinking non-diet coke and sugary squash was destroying my body even more.”

Red- high level. Facts of symptoms and how it is caused followed by a confessional voice over about what happens when you don’t inject. The dangers.

Hyperglycemia happens when the level of glucose in the blood is too high. Extreme cases, you may vomit. I become thirsty, wee a lot and also become very tired.

3^rd November 2002- my sugar levels were so high I developed ketoacidosis. I was throwing up, I shrank down one side of my body, I was dehydrated, and delirious. I couldn’t breathe properly. I just had had enough. A year of turning myself into A HUMAN PIN CUSHION, I used to hide behind the stairway door and pretend to inject. I thought no one would notice. They didn’t. I almost accidently killed myself. My body had no insulin in it to break down all of the glucose taking over my body. I was put on a drip. So now I don’t care if people in the public think im taking “drugs” im probably the only person who takes drugs to avoid getting high. I have to inject.

Green- perfect level- a description of how to get the perfect level whilst I point at the screen showing a blood test machine.

When I eat carbohydrates my body then needs insulin to break down the glucose in me.

(pointing to screen) I prick my finger, insert my blood onto a test strip and this machine tells me my level. I insert how many carbs im eating and then it works out how many units of insulin I should inject myself from ratios already set up on the machine (which is all estimated)

Blue wash- low level- the unconscious like state of mind, the body becoming numb, losing control

In January this year I worked out I had around over 40 low blood sugar levels. i went hypo every day. I woke up hypo every day. I was scared to sleep in case I didn’t wake up. I’m good at sleeping…

Then comes the voice in my head telling me to not eat more sugar than I need to but when my levels go low I get sweet cravings. I shake. I slur my words. I feel faint. My legs are like jelly. I cant coordinate. I cant communicate. I act drunk. Something takes over my body.

I experimented with these colours I knew I definitely wanted and looked at what two colours fading into the other looked like along with all three. All three of them looked a bit like a Rocket lollipop so I decided against using all three colours blended at once. The lights would need to be separated or have more of a slow fade to represent my atmospheres’. I decided that I liked the strobing effect but I felt that it would be too dramatic for my piece as althought the lighting does have meaning, i don’t want to detract too much away from my text as well. So I then went with more of a pulsing effect, as my body goes in and out of conscious states when hypo so a blue pulsing light, lighting up different sections of the stage around me I thought would represent this best.

Memory is coloured… when the performer leaves the light they leave the memory behind. Entering into a new memory. The timing of fades creates meaning too.

A slow fade represents something more poignant whereas a snap is more dramatic. I want the lights to snap onto me at the microphone with a bright spot light to represent the different points of views, my personal experiences and the facts which are authentic compared to the fading slower lights when the question slides and voice overs are heard as they are the publics views and may not be true, different states of light, different ideas.

I also had to be careful to not go too intense with the colours as I don’t want my face to look like a tomato, therefore because I do want quite an intense red, fill a part of the stage with the light rather than myself. As I am speaking the script and facts of my sugar levels going high, the subtle change in the stage from a green to a red will represent what I am saying.